The Problem with "Dream Girls"

Today, I ran across an article that I hoped was an exposition on the many things that are more important that physical attractiveness when choosing a mate. And it was. Kind of.

I should have known I was going to be disappointed from the first two words in the title, "dream girl," but I pressed on and read the article, hoping upon hope that it wasn't going to be the heaping pile of the most insidious type of sexism that it was.

If you ignore the content of Dream Girl: The Difference Between A Pretty Face And A Beautiful Person, the subheadings of the article ring true: I absolutely agree that passion, kindness, and uniqueness - among many other traits - are more important than traditional physical attractiveness in a partner.  Unfortunately, the author takes what could have been a wonderful concept for an article and turns it on its head with his unrealistic expectations and clear consideration of women as the "other."

Wanna-Be

I'm a wannabe and it's ok. I want to be a lot of things: I want to be a known writer. I want to be a perspective-changer. I want to be a free spirit, wild and content in my imperfections. I want to be the kind of mother who teaches her child the most important of truths. I want to be a good example, to live my beliefs, practice what I preach, be the change I wish to see…

I want to be so many things and, because of that, I wake up each day striving towards those dreams. I may never be all these things but I'll be some in some small way. And the only way I'll be able to Be is by embracing myself now as what I am, a wannabe, a strive-to-be...

A Worst and Most-Blessed Mother

The other morning, the hubs had taken the car to work at an early hour and let me sleep in. I was woken up by the J-Rex, who proceeded to quiz me on my favorite breakfast foods and promptly bring me a surprise (I had to close my eyes when she brought it in) breakfast in bed. 

She made herself something and we sat in bed for a while. I talked to her about being proud of her. She opened up about her fears and we talked about that. It was a wonderful meal and I was left a bit in awe of who this little 8 year old girl is becoming.

Turkey-Day Dreams

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  I love the idea of a holiday dedicated to grateful indulgence and the Thanksgiving celebrations I grew up with epitomized the phrase.  You see, most years, my parents and I traveled to the mountains of Northern Kentucky to join what was probably the ultimate orphan-hippie-Thanksgiving-Festival: A gathering hosted by my Aunt in the great room of what used to be a three-room country schoolhouse, wood-burning stoves and all.

A few people would bring ready-made dishes to add to the feast, but most guests would bring whatever ingredients they could come up with and add them to the bounty from my Aunt's garden.  We would spend most of the day in the kitchen, stepping on each other's toes as we laughed, baking bread, finding recipes in worn old cookbooks, and cooking dish after random dish.  When I was too young to do the cooking, my cousins and I would still be put to work braiding the bread loaves, picking flowers to put in vases on the long tables, and cleaning and clearing space for a small town's worth of people to sit and eat and make merry that evening.  Dinner would be served piecemeal, each dish being added to the buffet when it was ready, beginning in the early evening and ending when all the ingredients had been used up.

Often, people would bring instruments or other implements of talent and an impromptu open-mic-night emerged as our evening entertainment.  More often, there would be so many conversations going on at once that you could walk the room and surely find at least one or two topics you felt compelled to discuss. Some years, there would be a crowd large enough that I never quite figured out how many people were there.  Other years, it would just be the extended family, a small few related by blood, but it would still feel as big a crowd as the busy years, such was the size of each person's presence.

The night would begin with everyone holding hands in a circle, intoning, "Aum" and from there, the celebration seemed endless.  There was no "Black Friday" and consumerism the next day. Instead, there was a lot of sleeping in and cleaning by a host of exhausted celebrants still around from the night before. We all cooked the meal together and we all cleaned it up together. We never had the classic Thanksgiving prayers and pageantry but we were more grateful for the food on our table and the company we were keeping than some who do.

Coming in From the Cold

It’s been cold lately! Southerner that I am, my body (and heating budget!) is in shock from this drop in temperature that has had Fall feeling like an unusually cold Georgia Winter. Interestingly enough, despite the chill, I’ve been finding myself going out and seeking community a bit more lately. And I’m not the only one. I keep hearing people talking about how they’d been hermiting over the last few months and were coming out because of a need to be around others again. Often, this exchange is followed by a joking comment about this being the time we’re supposed to start hibernating, not start leaving our homes. 

Quick Tip for Confidence - Keep Your Portfolio Up to Date

I grew up mistaking self-confidence with hubris, avoiding it as though a sin.  Turns out, it's a good thing and I was missing out for a long, long time.  So, I'm trying to bring practices into my routine to improve my confidence…as I find things that work, I'll jot a quick note about it here and maybe it will work for someone else, too!

…and now, without further ado, I bring you my first Quick Tip for Confidence:

Keep Your Portfolio Up to Date

This may sound like trite advice that only applies to artists and writers who actually keep portfolios but it does work. Here's why: Whether you're keeping an actual portfolio of your published and/or best work or you're simply keeping a folder in which to file way your accomplishments, regular reminders of what you do when you're at your best make it easier to remember those same accomplishments when you're feeling down.

Give Yourself a Hug

For everyone who struggles or has struggled with self-esteem, self-acceptance, anxiety, depression, etc.,  there are no easy fixes. There's a reason an entire industry of dubious value and extreme expense exists to aid people with their mental health. I have seen all sides of this industry, via my own experiences and those of people close to me. For some, medication and professional therapy help. Some even benefit from the intense therapies of hospitalization. And, while I strongly feel that there should never be any stigma associated with accepting whatever help the mental health industry has to offer, my personal journey has led me away from it. 

In my case, I found out fairly early that medications prevented me from learning how to cope on my own. Professional therapists, counselors, etc. never seemed to understand where I was coming from and, as a result, tended to leave me frustrated and feeling no better than when I began with them. The thing that always struck me, when I was attempting the counselor route, was that every negative feeling I had was viewed as something unnatural - something to rid myself of. I always ended up feeling like a failure because I couldn't stop the negative though process from occurring. Negativity was wrong. Therefor I was wrong because I felt that way.