"You Can Do Anything You Want To!"

When I was a kid, I was constantly told by my teachers and mentors that I was so smart and talented that I could do anything I wanted to in life and I'd be GREAT at it. I could change the world, if I put my mind to it! I know they were just trying to be encouraging, just trying to encourage me to push for the stars (you never know how far you can go if you don't try for the nigh impossible, right?). For me, though, I took their wishes of greatness for me and turned it from encouragement to an expectation I was cursed to constantly strive for and fail to live up to.

Over the course of my life, I have tried my hand at so many things. I have studied the hard sciences, following my studies with both working in a lab and teaching. I have studied and worked in the natural health field, doing everything from retail to administrative work in clinics. I have dipped my toes into a myriad of other subjects and opportunities along the way.  

I have always been lucky enough to have the kind of learning curve that meant it never has taken me long to be "good" at any new thing I try.  My lab work was good. I was a good teacher, a good salesperson, a good administrative assistant.  I wasn't great.  I wasn't great because I wasn't good at caring about any of these things beyond their symbolism in terms of what I viewed as society's interpretation of "success."  And, wherever I wan't "great," I tended to fail.

Over the course of the past year's journey of self-discovery, I've been thinking about this a lot. I've wondered why I kept failing. Why, as I've reached my mid-thirties, I've felt like I was disappointing all of the people who said I could do anything I wanted to…why, in reality, I couldn't.

Evolution & Change

When I started this blog, I was temporarily homeschooling the J-Rex and trying my hand at urban farming, suburban condo-style. The vast majority of my initial posts were about my first excellent year in the garden and the incredible (and a few not-so-incredible) experiences the J-Rex and I were having in our homeschool journey.  I was enjoying writing again, enjoying the us of the blog medium to communicate with the world at large, and enjoying the process of self-discovery I was going through in my garden and homeschool.

Things change, though.  Life takes us in directions we don't expect. This is not a bad thing. It is simply change. Evolution. 

17 Things I Learned at DragonCon

DragonCon is known for the "Con Moment:" the life-changing, re-defining experience that occurs when you're surrounded by thousands of people who have identity-structuring things in common with you (most often and at the very least: a modicum of social awkwardness and a passionate enthusiasm for *something* in geek culture).  This year, as I covered DragonCon as a reporter and attended for the first time since the early 2000's, I had my share of those moments as I learned a lot about myself, my career choice, and the Con in general.  So here is my list of the 17 things I learned this year at DragonCon:

This Time It's Different

Lately, I've been feeling down. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my life, I suppose this feeling should be old hat by now. This time, though, it's a bit different, as I've spent the past year doing a pretty good job of finding my sanity and keeping the negatives in check:

Sometime last year, I simply became fed up with a lifetime of meloncholia and self-hatred. Nerd that I am, I began researching neurotransmitters and determining the nature of my own imbalances based off years of personal data. Then, I began to study the action of the transmitters and taught myself a form of biofeedback contingent on recognizing the warning signs of an imbalance forming and responding with methods that would correct the situation before it became unmanageable. The results were nothing short of miraculous and I began a process of finding the happy me that had been hidden under layers of sad for so long I had almost forgotten she existed.

Overdue Like a Library Book

I am overdue. I am overdue for so many things I have in my head that I need to write, overdue for time spent with friends and loved ones, overdue for the unpleasant tasks that are building up on my to-do list. There is a build-up of pressure and of procrastination as a result of these things, both of which create a cycle within me of stress and overwhelm.

I know exactly how I should handle this stress in a positive and healthy manner: I should start getting things done, one small step at a time. I should make time for my meditation and yoga again (my poor, neglected yoga practice is felt in the recently renewed aches I feel in bone and muscle throughout an unreasonably tired body). I should read. I should write, even if all I'm writing is a dairy entry to be shared with no one but myself.

Message from a Dancing Moon

Have  you every really danced? Not a slight swaying to music but primal,  foot - stomping,  hip-swaying, wild-making dance? In a dance like that, you experience true freedom and power as you let your body lose itself to the rhythm of the music.  It is joyous.  But, also,  it is hard: you sweat, your body aches, your muscles work. 

An Open Heart

Love is a crazy thing. In modern society, we are brought up to believe that love is a strong word...a word to be used with caution. We are taught that it is acceptable to like a thing but not to love it. 

I remember the example I was always given: "You may like an orange, but you can't love it." I never really understood that. Why can't I love that orange? Why can't I see it not just for being a tasty fruit that's filled with vitamin C and sugar but also for its role as a beautiful individual organism in this incredible biosphere of ours?  Is that not worthy of love?