One of the toughest things about being a parent is being the authority, the one in charge. You are both congress, the police, and the judicial system: you have to make the rules, enforce them, and mete out appropriate punishments when your rules are inevitably broken. Not only do you have all the powers of government without the checks and balances, but you also serve as the figurehead: the moral authority on whose behavior your children rely to learn how to behave themselves.
It's not as if we are prepared in any way for this massive responsibility before we become parents - it just happens. Our kids happen. We happen. Our kids misbehave (of course they do - they're still learning ). We misbehave (yeah, we're still learning, too).
The problem lies in what we do when it is us, the parents, who are misbehaving. When my child was young, I once was told never to apologize because that would undermine my authority as a parent. What a huge mousetrap that is, though! If I don't apologize, I teach my child that maintaining authority is more important than contrition. If I do apologize, my child learns that...learns that...learns what? Parents make mistakes, too? Isn't that something I want her to learn?
So, maybe the advice I was given was bunk. For the purposes of my own parenting, I'm assuming it was. I want to raise a child who knows its ok to make mistakes as long as you learn from them, who understands the importance of acknowledging and correcting the wrongs we do, and who has a solid grasp on the concept of forgiveness. So, when I make a mistake - and I do far more often than I like to admit - I always try to say I'm sorry.
This morning was a good example: I got up early, hoping for some alone time to do my workout and get some meditation in. I was surprised, however, to find the J-Rex already awake and ready to start her day. This wouldn't have been a problem had she done what I expect of her every morning: do the morning chores on her chore chart on her own, without reminders. Given that children are the origin of Murphy's Law, though, I had no such luck and ended up feeling like a helicopter as I tried to keep her on track...
Despite the fact that we were both up before dawn, we still didn't manage to get schoolwork started until after our goal start-time of 9:00...and I still hadn't gotten my workout or meditation done! Needless to say, I was frustrated as all get out.
I got mad. I gave the J-Rex her typical consequence, reducing a small portion of her allowance for the week. I should have stopped there, taken some deep breaths, gotten her started on some independent work, and taken care of my own needs so I could feel better. Instead, I kept complaining - I kept talking, lecturing beyond the point of usefulness, making her feel ashamed...and for what? Being a seven-year-old who makes mistakes just like everyone else? Yeah, that was a moment worthy of some serious motherly regret. :(
So, I took some deep breaths - the ones I should have taken in the first place - and I apologized. I said exactly what I did wrong, what I should have done instead, and what my plan was for preventing myself from doing the same thing in the future.
Can you guess what happened? Did the J-Rex lose respect for me and use my apology as an excuse to take advantage of me? Did I undermine my authority? No! I received an unusually thoughtful and thorough apology, modeled after my own. Not only that, but the J-Rex had a magnificent turn-around in attention, focus, and attitude for the rest of the day.
And me? I learned an important lesson myself about letting go, moving on, modeling corrective behavior, and forgiving myself.
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