Wanna-Be

I'm a wannabe and it's ok. I want to be a lot of things: I want to be a known writer. I want to be a perspective-changer. I want to be a free spirit, wild and content in my imperfections. I want to be the kind of mother who teaches her child the most important of truths. I want to be a good example, to live my beliefs, practice what I preach, be the change I wish to see…

I want to be so many things and, because of that, I wake up each day striving towards those dreams. I may never be all these things but I'll be some in some small way. And the only way I'll be able to Be is by embracing myself now as what I am, a wannabe, a strive-to-be...

A Worst and Most-Blessed Mother

The other morning, the hubs had taken the car to work at an early hour and let me sleep in. I was woken up by the J-Rex, who proceeded to quiz me on my favorite breakfast foods and promptly bring me a surprise (I had to close my eyes when she brought it in) breakfast in bed. 

She made herself something and we sat in bed for a while. I talked to her about being proud of her. She opened up about her fears and we talked about that. It was a wonderful meal and I was left a bit in awe of who this little 8 year old girl is becoming.

Turkey-Day Dreams

Thanksgiving has always been my favorite holiday.  I love the idea of a holiday dedicated to grateful indulgence and the Thanksgiving celebrations I grew up with epitomized the phrase.  You see, most years, my parents and I traveled to the mountains of Northern Kentucky to join what was probably the ultimate orphan-hippie-Thanksgiving-Festival: A gathering hosted by my Aunt in the great room of what used to be a three-room country schoolhouse, wood-burning stoves and all.

A few people would bring ready-made dishes to add to the feast, but most guests would bring whatever ingredients they could come up with and add them to the bounty from my Aunt's garden.  We would spend most of the day in the kitchen, stepping on each other's toes as we laughed, baking bread, finding recipes in worn old cookbooks, and cooking dish after random dish.  When I was too young to do the cooking, my cousins and I would still be put to work braiding the bread loaves, picking flowers to put in vases on the long tables, and cleaning and clearing space for a small town's worth of people to sit and eat and make merry that evening.  Dinner would be served piecemeal, each dish being added to the buffet when it was ready, beginning in the early evening and ending when all the ingredients had been used up.

Often, people would bring instruments or other implements of talent and an impromptu open-mic-night emerged as our evening entertainment.  More often, there would be so many conversations going on at once that you could walk the room and surely find at least one or two topics you felt compelled to discuss. Some years, there would be a crowd large enough that I never quite figured out how many people were there.  Other years, it would just be the extended family, a small few related by blood, but it would still feel as big a crowd as the busy years, such was the size of each person's presence.

The night would begin with everyone holding hands in a circle, intoning, "Aum" and from there, the celebration seemed endless.  There was no "Black Friday" and consumerism the next day. Instead, there was a lot of sleeping in and cleaning by a host of exhausted celebrants still around from the night before. We all cooked the meal together and we all cleaned it up together. We never had the classic Thanksgiving prayers and pageantry but we were more grateful for the food on our table and the company we were keeping than some who do.

Coming in From the Cold

It’s been cold lately! Southerner that I am, my body (and heating budget!) is in shock from this drop in temperature that has had Fall feeling like an unusually cold Georgia Winter. Interestingly enough, despite the chill, I’ve been finding myself going out and seeking community a bit more lately. And I’m not the only one. I keep hearing people talking about how they’d been hermiting over the last few months and were coming out because of a need to be around others again. Often, this exchange is followed by a joking comment about this being the time we’re supposed to start hibernating, not start leaving our homes. 

Quick Tip for Confidence - Keep Your Portfolio Up to Date

I grew up mistaking self-confidence with hubris, avoiding it as though a sin.  Turns out, it's a good thing and I was missing out for a long, long time.  So, I'm trying to bring practices into my routine to improve my confidence…as I find things that work, I'll jot a quick note about it here and maybe it will work for someone else, too!

…and now, without further ado, I bring you my first Quick Tip for Confidence:

Keep Your Portfolio Up to Date

This may sound like trite advice that only applies to artists and writers who actually keep portfolios but it does work. Here's why: Whether you're keeping an actual portfolio of your published and/or best work or you're simply keeping a folder in which to file way your accomplishments, regular reminders of what you do when you're at your best make it easier to remember those same accomplishments when you're feeling down.

Give Yourself a Hug

For everyone who struggles or has struggled with self-esteem, self-acceptance, anxiety, depression, etc.,  there are no easy fixes. There's a reason an entire industry of dubious value and extreme expense exists to aid people with their mental health. I have seen all sides of this industry, via my own experiences and those of people close to me. For some, medication and professional therapy help. Some even benefit from the intense therapies of hospitalization. And, while I strongly feel that there should never be any stigma associated with accepting whatever help the mental health industry has to offer, my personal journey has led me away from it. 

In my case, I found out fairly early that medications prevented me from learning how to cope on my own. Professional therapists, counselors, etc. never seemed to understand where I was coming from and, as a result, tended to leave me frustrated and feeling no better than when I began with them. The thing that always struck me, when I was attempting the counselor route, was that every negative feeling I had was viewed as something unnatural - something to rid myself of. I always ended up feeling like a failure because I couldn't stop the negative though process from occurring. Negativity was wrong. Therefor I was wrong because I felt that way. 

Facing Fears & Growing Up at Amicalola Falls

Over the past year, I've been working on my fitness levels, with the goal of reigniting my once-hobby of hiking and backpacking.  As part of this adventure, this Summer, I gathered the family and we went on a hike to the top of one of our local waterfalls, Amicalola Falls. Amicalola being only a 2-hour drive from our home, we made a spontaneous day trip of it, expecting to have a pleasant dive, a brief but enjoyable hike, and some chill-out time in the woods.  We got most of these things. We also got a bit more.

"You Can Do Anything You Want To!"

When I was a kid, I was constantly told by my teachers and mentors that I was so smart and talented that I could do anything I wanted to in life and I'd be GREAT at it. I could change the world, if I put my mind to it! I know they were just trying to be encouraging, just trying to encourage me to push for the stars (you never know how far you can go if you don't try for the nigh impossible, right?). For me, though, I took their wishes of greatness for me and turned it from encouragement to an expectation I was cursed to constantly strive for and fail to live up to.

Over the course of my life, I have tried my hand at so many things. I have studied the hard sciences, following my studies with both working in a lab and teaching. I have studied and worked in the natural health field, doing everything from retail to administrative work in clinics. I have dipped my toes into a myriad of other subjects and opportunities along the way.  

I have always been lucky enough to have the kind of learning curve that meant it never has taken me long to be "good" at any new thing I try.  My lab work was good. I was a good teacher, a good salesperson, a good administrative assistant.  I wasn't great.  I wasn't great because I wasn't good at caring about any of these things beyond their symbolism in terms of what I viewed as society's interpretation of "success."  And, wherever I wan't "great," I tended to fail.

Over the course of the past year's journey of self-discovery, I've been thinking about this a lot. I've wondered why I kept failing. Why, as I've reached my mid-thirties, I've felt like I was disappointing all of the people who said I could do anything I wanted to…why, in reality, I couldn't.

Evolution & Change

When I started this blog, I was temporarily homeschooling the J-Rex and trying my hand at urban farming, suburban condo-style. The vast majority of my initial posts were about my first excellent year in the garden and the incredible (and a few not-so-incredible) experiences the J-Rex and I were having in our homeschool journey.  I was enjoying writing again, enjoying the us of the blog medium to communicate with the world at large, and enjoying the process of self-discovery I was going through in my garden and homeschool.

Things change, though.  Life takes us in directions we don't expect. This is not a bad thing. It is simply change. Evolution. 

17 Things I Learned at DragonCon

DragonCon is known for the "Con Moment:" the life-changing, re-defining experience that occurs when you're surrounded by thousands of people who have identity-structuring things in common with you (most often and at the very least: a modicum of social awkwardness and a passionate enthusiasm for *something* in geek culture).  This year, as I covered DragonCon as a reporter and attended for the first time since the early 2000's, I had my share of those moments as I learned a lot about myself, my career choice, and the Con in general.  So here is my list of the 17 things I learned this year at DragonCon:

This Time It's Different

Lately, I've been feeling down. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my life, I suppose this feeling should be old hat by now. This time, though, it's a bit different, as I've spent the past year doing a pretty good job of finding my sanity and keeping the negatives in check:

Sometime last year, I simply became fed up with a lifetime of meloncholia and self-hatred. Nerd that I am, I began researching neurotransmitters and determining the nature of my own imbalances based off years of personal data. Then, I began to study the action of the transmitters and taught myself a form of biofeedback contingent on recognizing the warning signs of an imbalance forming and responding with methods that would correct the situation before it became unmanageable. The results were nothing short of miraculous and I began a process of finding the happy me that had been hidden under layers of sad for so long I had almost forgotten she existed.

Overdue Like a Library Book

I am overdue. I am overdue for so many things I have in my head that I need to write, overdue for time spent with friends and loved ones, overdue for the unpleasant tasks that are building up on my to-do list. There is a build-up of pressure and of procrastination as a result of these things, both of which create a cycle within me of stress and overwhelm.

I know exactly how I should handle this stress in a positive and healthy manner: I should start getting things done, one small step at a time. I should make time for my meditation and yoga again (my poor, neglected yoga practice is felt in the recently renewed aches I feel in bone and muscle throughout an unreasonably tired body). I should read. I should write, even if all I'm writing is a dairy entry to be shared with no one but myself.

Message from a Dancing Moon

Have  you every really danced? Not a slight swaying to music but primal,  foot - stomping,  hip-swaying, wild-making dance? In a dance like that, you experience true freedom and power as you let your body lose itself to the rhythm of the music.  It is joyous.  But, also,  it is hard: you sweat, your body aches, your muscles work. 

An Open Heart

Love is a crazy thing. In modern society, we are brought up to believe that love is a strong word...a word to be used with caution. We are taught that it is acceptable to like a thing but not to love it. 

I remember the example I was always given: "You may like an orange, but you can't love it." I never really understood that. Why can't I love that orange? Why can't I see it not just for being a tasty fruit that's filled with vitamin C and sugar but also for its role as a beautiful individual organism in this incredible biosphere of ours?  Is that not worthy of love?

It Ain't Easy Being Mom

This year, the J-Rex and I have had a difficult time in terms of our relationship, going through some growing pains on both of our parts.  The strain got to me so much at one point that I broke down and did what so much parenting advice says is the exact wrong thing to do:  I laid my own faults on the table.

I talked to my child like she was an adult and I told her I was unhappy that, lately, I hadn't been the kind of mother I wanted to be.  I explained the mistakes I felt I'd been making and told her about my own doubts in myself.

I let my daughter forgive me. I asked for no apologies in return.

Then, I told my daughter about my dreams.  I talked to her about the lessons I want to teach her, the lessons she's taught me that I want to cultivate in both our spirits, and the ways in which we can help each other become the people we want to be.

I promised to make some changes.  I asked nothing of my daughter.

Stepping Forward - My First Guest Post

Today, my very first guest blog post has been published! I was asked to write about my story as the mother of a visually impaired child for The Center for The Visually Impaired's (CVI) Sightseeing Blog.

A Wren on the Porch

Earlier this Spring, we discovered a Carolina Wren had made a nest and laid eggs on one of the outdoor shelving units on our porch. We were delighted at this turn of events and more than a little bit proud of ourselves that this bird trusted us enough to build its nest so near a center of our activity.  

At first, the mother would fly out of the nest as soon as we walked past to get our gardening supplies or water the plants, sit in a nearby tree branch, and squawk angrily at us until we went back inside. We made a point not to get too close to her eggs and try to disturb her as little as possible, while still maintaining the garden...not an easy task and one that led to the neglect of several tomato seedlings and the skipping of a scheduled staggered planting.

A Three-Poem Day at the Park

Benjamin Franklin said to "either write something worth reading or do something worth writing." So today, I took the J-Rex to a new park. As soon as we left the house and began driving through a world in bloom to reach our destination, I knew we, too, would bloom with the season today.

Gorillas & Lessons in Unschooling

For most of our homeschool, I've wavered between attempting to meet the common core standards and letting the J-Rex explore knowledge based on her interests a'la unschooling. Recently, as I've been trying to prepare her for the rigours of 3rd grade in the public schools, I've been veering more and more toward a scheduled day focused on the standards.  Still, though, I try to work in at least 1/2 to 1 hour of interest-oriented learning per day.  Lately, I've been doing this by keeping a list of questions she asks at times when we don't have time to explore them so that, when planning for the week, I can write in 30 minutes of topic exploration to address these questions.

The other day, in the car and out of the blue, the J-Rex asked what kind of food gorillas eat.  I answered that I thought they ate mostly fruits and vegetables. The J-Rex followed up with, "So, they're herbivores, not omnivores?" I hesitated. I remember seeing images of gorillas picking bugs out of each other's fur and eating them...don't they eat other bugs, too? Does that make them omnivores? I shared my line of questioning and reasoning with the J-Rex and we agreed that some gorilla research needed to go on our unschool topic list asap.

Luckily, the next day was my planning day, so I wrote in a 30-min topic exploration (I try to leave the unschooling lesson open-ended, so I don't generally put more detail in my plans other than the title of the topic we are exploring) on gorillas, assuming we'd spend a little time looking up some facts about their eating habits online and then browsing pictures of gorillas eating. Afterwards, we were planning on doing Yoga for PE.  I thought I had a fun afternoon planned for the next day. I had no idea.

Not a Monster / Thoughts on Fear

Fear can really eat away at a person.  Most of my life, I have lived in a place of fear - fear of the what-ifs,

fear of the unknown, fear of the next shoe to drop, fear of myself, etc. and etc. For a long time, it took away my ability to succeed: I was so afraid of “failure” that I wouldn’t even try, regardless of whether that “trying” was for inner peace or for outward successes.  At times, my fear nearly destroyed me but, even still, this lifetime of a fearful outlook has taught me some things about this massive emotion:  

The universe doesn't set us up to fail. Neither, though, does the universe always provide us a safety net. Sometimes we have to just leap off the damn platform and pray we've learned how to fall well enough that we don't break our necks. And if we're terrified? That's ok! That adrenaline our fear produces can keep us going until we are on solid ground again. But. The adrenaline is draining. Use it, but take time to care for yourself and replenish your energy. Eat. Even if you don't feel like it. Sleep. Even if you think you can't. And trust that everything happens for a reason, if only that reason is to lead us to a place we might not have gone without the kick in the ass that destruction gives us.

Some Things Shouldn't Ever Go on a To-Do List

Gardening is no longer going to be put on my to-do list.  Neither is writing, whether it be blogging, journalling, or anything else that doesn't have a specific deadline. 

An Accessible Birthday Party

A few years ago, we attempted our first big birthday party for the J-Rex.  It was, of course, a dinosaur theme, and we had all the typical activities you tend to have in birthday parties.  There was one little problem, though: the J-Rex didn't enjoy the activities as much as her guests because several, such as the coloring station and the dino egg hunt, did not account for her low vision.  Granted, the J-Rex is always a good sport about these things and was more interested in her friends having a good time than her own access to the activities, but it did make me, as her parent, think about how I might have done things differently.  

Last year's birthday wasn't an issue because she didn't really have any friends to invite to a party, being newly moved and newly homeschooled. This year, however, she has a lot of kids she spends time with that she wanted to invite to a big party for her 8th birthday.  I like entertaining, so I'm only too happy to oblige, but I certainly wanted to put into practice some of the reflections I had after the last party and make this one accessible to the J-Rex and all of her friends, many of whom have varying degrees of visual impairment. 

How often does the visually impaired child get invited to a birthday party where they actually can participate equally in all of the activities? As Ghandi said, "be the change you wish to see in the world." I like the idea of the change starting with us and, besides, we want the party to be fun for everyone!

A Mother-Daughter Date to Remember

The other night, I had a terrible nightmare: I drempt the J-Rex ran out into traffic without looking and was run over by a car.  In my dream, I tried to catch her but couldn't because I was too slow and too far away. 

I woke up immediately and, blurry-eyed with shuffling feet, made my way to the J-Rex's room to wake her for hugs and kisses.  Before I could even explain, she looks at me and exclaims, "I had the best dream last night!"  A tear rolled down my cheek, I smiled, hugged her tighter, and asked her to tell me all about it.

Trying Hard, a Self-Reflection

I grew up lucky.  I was blessed to have several raw talents, including a mind that could handle academics with ease.  This kind of luck comes with a curse, though.  You see, I never had to try. 

School (well, most of it - I still have nightmares about times tables) was always a breeze. I was always an A-B student and graduated fifth in a class of over 600 without ever putting out more than the bare minimum of effort into my work.  Sure, I did work...I researched, read, learned on my own...but only when it was fun and only with the things that piqued my interest for only as long as my interest stayed piqued.  I never worked hard.

Cultivating an Open Mind by Teaching Forgotten Histories

The other day, in Social Studies, the J-Rex and I were reading about the beginnings of civilization.  As we read, I found myself objecting to the anti-indigenous bent to the way our book addressed the issue, as if all hunter-gatherer cultures were inherently savage and "lesser" than the civilizations that were forming at the time. 

Life as of Late - An Update

I have been neglecting this blog over the last couple of months.  I could say that I've been busy but, honestly, I haven't been any busier than I normally am. I could say that I've had little to write about but that would be about as far from the truth as you could get.  No, I have started and stopped many a blog post over the last several weeks, afraid of getting too personal, afraid of alienating some of my non-family/friend followers, not knowing how to say all the things I wanted to say...

Gaming Girls: MMORPGs with the Young

I love my mmorpgs.  Everquest was my first obsession, but I hated having to spend money on a monthly subscription, especially when I'd have to skip a month or so because of the obligations of real life.  By the time I had the J-Rex, I was all about one of the first pay-per-expansion games, Guild Wars.  I remember, in her early years (when I still somehow managed to find the time to spend a few hours here and there making it through a new zone or farming), daydreaming about how cool it was going to be when the J-Rex was a teenager and we could play the game together (assuming the servers are still around by then!)...