Facing Fears & Growing Up at Amicalola Falls

Over the past year, I've been working on my fitness levels, with the goal of reigniting my once-hobby of hiking and backpacking.  As part of this adventure, this Summer, I gathered the family and we went on a hike to the top of one of our local waterfalls, Amicalola Falls. Amicalola being only a 2-hour drive from our home, we made a spontaneous day trip of it, expecting to have a pleasant dive, a brief but enjoyable hike, and some chill-out time in the woods.  We got most of these things. We also got a bit more.

Evolution & Change

When I started this blog, I was temporarily homeschooling the J-Rex and trying my hand at urban farming, suburban condo-style. The vast majority of my initial posts were about my first excellent year in the garden and the incredible (and a few not-so-incredible) experiences the J-Rex and I were having in our homeschool journey.  I was enjoying writing again, enjoying the us of the blog medium to communicate with the world at large, and enjoying the process of self-discovery I was going through in my garden and homeschool.

Things change, though.  Life takes us in directions we don't expect. This is not a bad thing. It is simply change. Evolution. 

This Time It's Different

Lately, I've been feeling down. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my life, I suppose this feeling should be old hat by now. This time, though, it's a bit different, as I've spent the past year doing a pretty good job of finding my sanity and keeping the negatives in check:

Sometime last year, I simply became fed up with a lifetime of meloncholia and self-hatred. Nerd that I am, I began researching neurotransmitters and determining the nature of my own imbalances based off years of personal data. Then, I began to study the action of the transmitters and taught myself a form of biofeedback contingent on recognizing the warning signs of an imbalance forming and responding with methods that would correct the situation before it became unmanageable. The results were nothing short of miraculous and I began a process of finding the happy me that had been hidden under layers of sad for so long I had almost forgotten she existed.

Overdue Like a Library Book

I am overdue. I am overdue for so many things I have in my head that I need to write, overdue for time spent with friends and loved ones, overdue for the unpleasant tasks that are building up on my to-do list. There is a build-up of pressure and of procrastination as a result of these things, both of which create a cycle within me of stress and overwhelm.

I know exactly how I should handle this stress in a positive and healthy manner: I should start getting things done, one small step at a time. I should make time for my meditation and yoga again (my poor, neglected yoga practice is felt in the recently renewed aches I feel in bone and muscle throughout an unreasonably tired body). I should read. I should write, even if all I'm writing is a dairy entry to be shared with no one but myself.

An Open Heart

Love is a crazy thing. In modern society, we are brought up to believe that love is a strong word...a word to be used with caution. We are taught that it is acceptable to like a thing but not to love it. 

I remember the example I was always given: "You may like an orange, but you can't love it." I never really understood that. Why can't I love that orange? Why can't I see it not just for being a tasty fruit that's filled with vitamin C and sugar but also for its role as a beautiful individual organism in this incredible biosphere of ours?  Is that not worthy of love?

It Ain't Easy Being Mom

This year, the J-Rex and I have had a difficult time in terms of our relationship, going through some growing pains on both of our parts.  The strain got to me so much at one point that I broke down and did what so much parenting advice says is the exact wrong thing to do:  I laid my own faults on the table.

I talked to my child like she was an adult and I told her I was unhappy that, lately, I hadn't been the kind of mother I wanted to be.  I explained the mistakes I felt I'd been making and told her about my own doubts in myself.

I let my daughter forgive me. I asked for no apologies in return.

Then, I told my daughter about my dreams.  I talked to her about the lessons I want to teach her, the lessons she's taught me that I want to cultivate in both our spirits, and the ways in which we can help each other become the people we want to be.

I promised to make some changes.  I asked nothing of my daughter.

Gorillas & Lessons in Unschooling

For most of our homeschool, I've wavered between attempting to meet the common core standards and letting the J-Rex explore knowledge based on her interests a'la unschooling. Recently, as I've been trying to prepare her for the rigours of 3rd grade in the public schools, I've been veering more and more toward a scheduled day focused on the standards.  Still, though, I try to work in at least 1/2 to 1 hour of interest-oriented learning per day.  Lately, I've been doing this by keeping a list of questions she asks at times when we don't have time to explore them so that, when planning for the week, I can write in 30 minutes of topic exploration to address these questions.

The other day, in the car and out of the blue, the J-Rex asked what kind of food gorillas eat.  I answered that I thought they ate mostly fruits and vegetables. The J-Rex followed up with, "So, they're herbivores, not omnivores?" I hesitated. I remember seeing images of gorillas picking bugs out of each other's fur and eating them...don't they eat other bugs, too? Does that make them omnivores? I shared my line of questioning and reasoning with the J-Rex and we agreed that some gorilla research needed to go on our unschool topic list asap.

Luckily, the next day was my planning day, so I wrote in a 30-min topic exploration (I try to leave the unschooling lesson open-ended, so I don't generally put more detail in my plans other than the title of the topic we are exploring) on gorillas, assuming we'd spend a little time looking up some facts about their eating habits online and then browsing pictures of gorillas eating. Afterwards, we were planning on doing Yoga for PE.  I thought I had a fun afternoon planned for the next day. I had no idea.

Not a Monster / Thoughts on Fear

Fear can really eat away at a person.  Most of my life, I have lived in a place of fear - fear of the what-ifs,

fear of the unknown, fear of the next shoe to drop, fear of myself, etc. and etc. For a long time, it took away my ability to succeed: I was so afraid of “failure” that I wouldn’t even try, regardless of whether that “trying” was for inner peace or for outward successes.  At times, my fear nearly destroyed me but, even still, this lifetime of a fearful outlook has taught me some things about this massive emotion:  

The universe doesn't set us up to fail. Neither, though, does the universe always provide us a safety net. Sometimes we have to just leap off the damn platform and pray we've learned how to fall well enough that we don't break our necks. And if we're terrified? That's ok! That adrenaline our fear produces can keep us going until we are on solid ground again. But. The adrenaline is draining. Use it, but take time to care for yourself and replenish your energy. Eat. Even if you don't feel like it. Sleep. Even if you think you can't. And trust that everything happens for a reason, if only that reason is to lead us to a place we might not have gone without the kick in the ass that destruction gives us.

Some Things Shouldn't Ever Go on a To-Do List

Gardening is no longer going to be put on my to-do list.  Neither is writing, whether it be blogging, journalling, or anything else that doesn't have a specific deadline. 

An Accessible Birthday Party

A few years ago, we attempted our first big birthday party for the J-Rex.  It was, of course, a dinosaur theme, and we had all the typical activities you tend to have in birthday parties.  There was one little problem, though: the J-Rex didn't enjoy the activities as much as her guests because several, such as the coloring station and the dino egg hunt, did not account for her low vision.  Granted, the J-Rex is always a good sport about these things and was more interested in her friends having a good time than her own access to the activities, but it did make me, as her parent, think about how I might have done things differently.  

Last year's birthday wasn't an issue because she didn't really have any friends to invite to a party, being newly moved and newly homeschooled. This year, however, she has a lot of kids she spends time with that she wanted to invite to a big party for her 8th birthday.  I like entertaining, so I'm only too happy to oblige, but I certainly wanted to put into practice some of the reflections I had after the last party and make this one accessible to the J-Rex and all of her friends, many of whom have varying degrees of visual impairment. 

How often does the visually impaired child get invited to a birthday party where they actually can participate equally in all of the activities? As Ghandi said, "be the change you wish to see in the world." I like the idea of the change starting with us and, besides, we want the party to be fun for everyone!

Life as of Late - An Update

I have been neglecting this blog over the last couple of months.  I could say that I've been busy but, honestly, I haven't been any busier than I normally am. I could say that I've had little to write about but that would be about as far from the truth as you could get.  No, I have started and stopped many a blog post over the last several weeks, afraid of getting too personal, afraid of alienating some of my non-family/friend followers, not knowing how to say all the things I wanted to say...