It Ain't Easy Being Mom

This year, the J-Rex and I have had a difficult time in terms of our relationship, going through some growing pains on both of our parts.  The strain got to me so much at one point that I broke down and did what so much parenting advice says is the exact wrong thing to do:  I laid my own faults on the table.

I talked to my child like she was an adult and I told her I was unhappy that, lately, I hadn't been the kind of mother I wanted to be.  I explained the mistakes I felt I'd been making and told her about my own doubts in myself.

I let my daughter forgive me. I asked for no apologies in return.

Then, I told my daughter about my dreams.  I talked to her about the lessons I want to teach her, the lessons she's taught me that I want to cultivate in both our spirits, and the ways in which we can help each other become the people we want to be.

I promised to make some changes.  I asked nothing of my daughter.

I decided it was time to change myself if I wanted to be the kind of parent I want to be.  I have an image in my mind of exactly what that looks like...if only I can let go of my perfectionism, fear, and the voice in the back of my head that is more concerned with being a "good mom" than the act of "being a mom" in itself.  I have been scared that it might be too late to all of a sudden start giving my child all of me, but I have begun to try...and, so far, the results have been nothing short of spectacular:

Over the past few months, I have managed to yell far less, listen more, say yes more

than no, and practice a patience and presence I was beginning to think I wasn't capable of.  In turn, the J-Rex has begun blossoming into a girl who chooses acts of kindness instead of misbehavior to get the attention she wants, who understands and doesn't fuss when things don't go her way, who goes out of her way to help and care for everyone and everything, and who manages to charm the heck out of me every minute I spend with her.

I still have a ways to go in terms of who I want to be as a mother.  The J-Rex still has a ways to go in terms of her own personal growth.  What I've come to realize, though, is that, for both of us, this is a journey we will always be on.  This is THE journey.  This is parenthood. This is childhood. The two are not much different and, as we grow, we will always grow together.