Mid-thirties Existentialism

Entering into my thirty-fifth year, I was undergoing a transformation and seeing the emergence of a creative surge I had long awaited. I felt a lightness of being and a freedom of spirit I had forgotten I was capable of. For the first time in years, I was beginning to see a future vision of where and who I want to be again, as well as the path to get there. I began to feel like I was walking on air. I felt ready to face my fears, my challenges. I felt good - very good - maybe too good...

It seems to be a rule of the universe that the euphoria associated with new beginnings and personal transformations is a short-lived phenomenon (a phenomenon that comes fully equipped for crushing personal disappointment when you fail to live up to your own inflated expectations).  This let-down occurred in the aftermath of my turning thirty-five and I have now found myself in the midst of a full-blown, mid-life crisis of the Self, replete with philosophical comparisons of the emergent versus the current "me."

Lately, I've been wondering how to maintain my momentum and what the next steps are in this path I'm on. I've pondered the choices I've made and the places they've led me. I've asked myself if my place in the world may be something other than what I had planned and how much I am blinded by temporary illusions when I make those choices. I've thought about the meaning of my life and the things I need to do to capture that meaning, to make something of it... 

Who am I? Where am I going? How will I get there? What does it even mean to try?

All I know is that, right now, the answers to these questions feel important, defining, pivotal...as if the choices I make now, the winners of my current battles of passion and logic, will make more difference than those in the moments before.  In the end, though, the answers are less essential than the questioning, for it is through the questions that I grow...and, as I grow, so my future becomes.


Now, if you'll excuse me, all that is very well, but I must cultivate my garden.