This Time It's Different

Lately, I've been feeling down. As someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety throughout my life, I suppose this feeling should be old hat by now. This time, though, it's a bit different, as I've spent the past year doing a pretty good job of finding my sanity and keeping the negatives in check:

Sometime last year, I simply became fed up with a lifetime of meloncholia and self-hatred. Nerd that I am, I began researching neurotransmitters and determining the nature of my own imbalances based off years of personal data. Then, I began to study the action of the transmitters and taught myself a form of biofeedback contingent on recognizing the warning signs of an imbalance forming and responding with methods that would correct the situation before it became unmanageable. The results were nothing short of miraculous and I began a process of finding the happy me that had been hidden under layers of sad for so long I had almost forgotten she existed.

Overdue Like a Library Book

I am overdue. I am overdue for so many things I have in my head that I need to write, overdue for time spent with friends and loved ones, overdue for the unpleasant tasks that are building up on my to-do list. There is a build-up of pressure and of procrastination as a result of these things, both of which create a cycle within me of stress and overwhelm.

I know exactly how I should handle this stress in a positive and healthy manner: I should start getting things done, one small step at a time. I should make time for my meditation and yoga again (my poor, neglected yoga practice is felt in the recently renewed aches I feel in bone and muscle throughout an unreasonably tired body). I should read. I should write, even if all I'm writing is a dairy entry to be shared with no one but myself.

Message from a Dancing Moon

Have  you every really danced? Not a slight swaying to music but primal,  foot - stomping,  hip-swaying, wild-making dance? In a dance like that, you experience true freedom and power as you let your body lose itself to the rhythm of the music.  It is joyous.  But, also,  it is hard: you sweat, your body aches, your muscles work. 

An Open Heart

Love is a crazy thing. In modern society, we are brought up to believe that love is a strong word...a word to be used with caution. We are taught that it is acceptable to like a thing but not to love it. 

I remember the example I was always given: "You may like an orange, but you can't love it." I never really understood that. Why can't I love that orange? Why can't I see it not just for being a tasty fruit that's filled with vitamin C and sugar but also for its role as a beautiful individual organism in this incredible biosphere of ours?  Is that not worthy of love?

It Ain't Easy Being Mom

This year, the J-Rex and I have had a difficult time in terms of our relationship, going through some growing pains on both of our parts.  The strain got to me so much at one point that I broke down and did what so much parenting advice says is the exact wrong thing to do:  I laid my own faults on the table.

I talked to my child like she was an adult and I told her I was unhappy that, lately, I hadn't been the kind of mother I wanted to be.  I explained the mistakes I felt I'd been making and told her about my own doubts in myself.

I let my daughter forgive me. I asked for no apologies in return.

Then, I told my daughter about my dreams.  I talked to her about the lessons I want to teach her, the lessons she's taught me that I want to cultivate in both our spirits, and the ways in which we can help each other become the people we want to be.

I promised to make some changes.  I asked nothing of my daughter.

Stepping Forward - My First Guest Post

Today, my very first guest blog post has been published! I was asked to write about my story as the mother of a visually impaired child for The Center for The Visually Impaired's (CVI) Sightseeing Blog.

A Wren on the Porch

Earlier this Spring, we discovered a Carolina Wren had made a nest and laid eggs on one of the outdoor shelving units on our porch. We were delighted at this turn of events and more than a little bit proud of ourselves that this bird trusted us enough to build its nest so near a center of our activity.  

At first, the mother would fly out of the nest as soon as we walked past to get our gardening supplies or water the plants, sit in a nearby tree branch, and squawk angrily at us until we went back inside. We made a point not to get too close to her eggs and try to disturb her as little as possible, while still maintaining the garden...not an easy task and one that led to the neglect of several tomato seedlings and the skipping of a scheduled staggered planting.