As much as I like fashion, though, I rarely indulge my dress-up desires outside of my own bedroom...At first , this was because every time I wore something fashion-forward in school, I'd inevitably get the "you must think you're so cool" comment...not wanting to claim to be something I was sure I was not, I would quickly go back to trying to blend in with the crowd...
I eventually gained enough self-confidence to wear the occasional fun outfit or accessory, but I was always careful not to over-do it, lest I stand out too much. I was still holding myself back from the kinds of things I really wanted to wear, so much so that my own fears of expressing my creativity began to turn into judgementalism and I began to associate fashion with shallowness and fakers.
I was wrong, though. I was rationalizing my own self-deprivation by judging others and it was easy, at the time, because I was thin and attractive and didn't need to pay attention to what I put on in the morning to look good...I was classic plain-Jane geek and I took pride in it.
"Dirty jeans, wrinkled shirt, and unkempt hair? It's cool, that just shows I'm too smart to be bothered."
That kind of attitude is all fine and good if you really don't care about being attractive. Except, I do care, not because I'm trying to attract a mate (I've already got him), but because I want to enjoy what I see in the mirror and because I like a certain amount of admiration (as we all do, though few are willing to admit it)...
So, I've admitted I like playing dress-up, I've accepted that I care about how I look, and I have a strong desire to push past my self-imposed boundaries, but I'm still not comfortable getting as creative as I really want. What's stopping me now?
Well, I'm fat. I'm not going to say overweight, I'm going to own it...fat. (Owning it makes me cringe, but I'm pushing the limits of my self-consciousness here, so give me a break, 'k?)
The thing about being fat in modern society is that we're constantly told to be ashamed of it. It doesn't matter that I work out and eat more healthily than some of my skinny friends or that my weight came from hormonal issues during a pregnancy...when strangers see me, they automatically think I'm a lazy slob - or at
least that's what experience and the media have taught me.
We're not supposed to love our bodies. We're expected to hide ourselves...and if we want to wear something bright, or creative, or even outlandish (on the rare occasions we could even find these styles in our size)? Well, we've all heard these comments from the people we know:
"Some people shouldn't be allowed to wear bikinis"
"She should not be wearing [fill in the blank]"
"She should not be wearing [fill in the blank]"
(I could go on and on...)
So, if my social circle -a pretty non-judgemental lot - can be this judgemental of large body types, I think I've got a pretty clear idea of what strangers will whisper if I try to show off my body...
So I still hide. I save my dressing up for private drives with my husband and go to parties in the same stuff every time: jeans and a modest shirt that shows just enough boob to distract from my less pleasingly round areas.
I'd like to change this. I'd like to feel free to be myself, not just in terms of my actions and speech (which I'm already fairly uncompromising about) but also in terms of how I dress. It's hard to deny a lifetime of in-your-face societal fat-shaming...but, personally, I think this nerdy fat girl needs to try...even if it is just every once in a while.
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| This is what I wore for a date-night drive. Before we left, I worried about the socks making my legs look too fat, if I had too many accessories on, and if people wouldn't look at me and think I was trying to be something I'm too old and fat to be... Thing is, I liked this outfit and even felt it was a bit conservative for my true taste, yet it was the most radical thing I've worn in a long time... |
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